You see there was a battle going on in my soul. In my mind I would cry out to God for deliverance, or what I had been taught that deliverance was, and nothing changed. I thought that God would just wave His magic God wand and miraculously heal me of this "spiritual disease", that was eating away at me like a cancer. How could I say that I was even saved! With so much doubt about who I was, or what I was... I thought maybe that if I confessed it enough, it would be true. But, I was a doubtful disbelieving liar.
When I 'came into Christ', I was convicted of my sin. I knew that I needed a saviour and I had heard how Jesus died on the cross in my place. And, how I needed to confess my sins, and pray the sinners prayer, and pray everyday, and read my Bible everyday, and follow the Golden Rule, and keep The Ten Commandments, and go to church on Sunday, and tithe my ten percent to God, and not drink, smoke or cuss, and to remember that my body was the temple of the holy spirit and to keep it holy, and on and on and on....none of which I was able to do consistently. So, in my failures, in the weakness of my flesh, I condemned myself and suffered faith crisis after faith crisis. Because, I didn't HAVE the faith the size of a mustard seed that the Bible spoke about that could move mountains. What I had was hope. But, 'hope deferred makes the heart sick.' Proverbs 13:12
I agonized in faithlessness. Just as this young man did. I believed in God, I did not have faith to move the mountain of doubt. I believed in God. I believed that He heard me when I cried out to Him. But, for some reason He did not answer my cries. I thought that maybe because I was so lacking in His holiness, He did not answer. Then, one day I reached my breaking point. I cried out to Him in earnestness, and said, "Lord, I've done everything that I can think of to gain your favor. I've prayed everyday. I've asked, seeked, knocked, confessed, begged for your mercy, and still I am full of doubt. I've helped in the church, worked in the nursery, cast out demons in your name, tithed my ten percent and then some. And, still I suffer this agonizing doubt about being good enough to gain Your favor. This is where I sit, and this is where I'm staying. Either you fix what needs to be fixed in me, or I go no futher. I KNOW that there is more to this life than what I am experiencing 'playing church'. I have no where else to go, but to you. Lord, Help me! You are my only hope. I am tired." And, I sat.
The cry of my heart had been, "I want ALL of you, Lord! I don't want to be a mediocre Christian. I don't want to just 'play church'. I want more faith! I want to be pleasing to you, Lord." I'm not moving from this place until you do something!" I wanted my life in Him to be a witness and a testimony of His love for me. But, I was wearied in the doubt and disbelief that consumed me. And, I sat. And, waited.
It didn't happen over night. It didn't even happen that year.
I think sometimes that we look at this word "faith" and are befuzzled by it. You gotta have it, but how do you get it??? Especially when you are a babe in Christ, and new in the Lord. But, there are people who have been "in Christ" for twenty years that have struggled with this word. I was one of them! I know what I'm talking about! And, especially when you are exposed to all the "Christianese" jargon of the church.. We start throwing those words around, like redemption, faith, salvation, justification... thinking that we know what they mean. But, we don't have a clue! Because, this understanding comes through experience. We listen to others use these words. But, we have no idea of the depth of their meaning. And, we won't, until we experience first hand the FAITHFULNESS of God.
Back to my story...
I didn't leave organized religion. I didn't leave the "church". I didn't stop believing in God. I didn't do any of that. I just resigned myself to the fact that there was more, and I didn't have it. I still studied the word and read a lot of Christian self-help books, went to Bible studies, and prayed. I tried to be a better person, a more loving wife and mother, more patient, more compassionate. I volunteered at the food panty and the homeless shelter. I sought out other ministries that were on the cutting edge of what 'I thought' God was doing in the earth, hoping that maybe by osmosis I would stumble across what I was longing for. I got nothing of substance. And, the years went by.
God never sleeps.
One day, I was 'sitting on the floor, painting base boards, listening to a taped message about the grace of God. And, all of a sudden I heard, 'It is finished'. Wait, WHAT??? I stopped the tape and backed it up, and listened again. And, what I heard made my heart SOAR!! It is finished. IT is finished. It IS finished. IT IS FINISHED!!!! For the first time, I SAW by FAITH- 'the finished work of the cross'. There was a light that was shown in my understanding. A light that had never been there before. I knew immediately that this was that which I had prayed for, so many years before. I jumped up and ran to get my Bible. I read it right there, in black and white, and RED, "It is finished".
I HEARD by FAITH, that the work of the cross was a COMPLETED work. God didn't need my help! Jesus had COMPLETED ALL of the requirements of the law. So WHY was I still trying to perform the works of the law? Because I had not received FAITH. 2 Peter 1:3 says "His divine power has granted us EVERYTHING pertaining to life AND godliness, through the TRUE knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence." (my emphasis) I had HOPED in this for a very long time. I had made my request known. I wanted that peace! But, doubt and disbelief plagued me, because I had not experienced His rest.
Hebrews chaper 4, spells it out-
Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2 For we also have had the good news proclaimed to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because they did not share the faith of those who obeyed. 3 Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said,
“So I declared on oath in my anger,
‘They shall never enter my rest.’”
And yet his works have been finished since the creation of the world. 4 For somewhere he has spoken about the seventh day in these words: “On the seventh day God rested from all his works.” 5 And again in the passage above he says, “They shall never enter my rest.”
6 Therefore since it still remains for some to enter that rest, and since those who formerly had the good news proclaimed to them did not go in because of their disobedience, 7 God again set a certain day, calling it “Today.” This he did when a long time later he spoke through David, as in the passage already quoted:
“Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts.”
8 For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. 9 There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; 10 for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. 11 Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience.
12 For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence (faith), so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
I received "the peace of God that surpasses all understanding" Philippians 4:6-7 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
You can't WALK in faith, until you experience the faithfulness of God.
Sit and wait. Prove Him. Persevere in hope, until He moves you from hope to faith. He is faithful, His word is true.
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